Sleeping Under Enon

solamen miseris socios habuisse doloris

Download films for free? I’d rather see Justin Bieber.

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Definitely not an Agent of the End Times. Image via Wikipedia

This month I think my main conclusion about whatever-it-is-I’ve-been-thinking-about would be that the films released in the past two or three years have, on the whole, sucked. I’m not claiming to have watched all the films that have been released, nor have I the inclination to buy a magazine like Empire and follow ‘What’s hot’ and so on, but what I have been doing is failing to watch films for free.

I have a lot of spare time at the moment (if it’s not at all obvious) so most of my evenings have been spent watching films. I don’t see most of the day so I only need to worry about passing the time in the evenings. This isn’t because I’m busy during that time, rather because I’m a lazy shit and spend it in bed. Having exhausted my blu-ray/DVD collection, I decided to download the odd film to keep me company but found I couldn’t actually be bothered. Rather than conclude that this is further evidence of my self-pitying slothery, I’ve decided to blame the entertainment on offer. Hollywood has failed to entice me to watch their films even when I could have gotten hold of them for free in less than ten minutes.

I can think of a lot of things I wouldn’t really consider doing but if it were free I might give it a go. In fact, here is a quick list of things I wouldn’t normally consider but might if it were free:

  • Have my thetan levels read. Though probably not because if it doesn’t cost money it’s going to cost me my IQ. Or seriously strain my ability to be civil.
  • Read a whole issue of Heat/OK/Closer/LOOKATTHEFUCKINGCELLULITE!JUSTLOOKATIT!. Suicide might quickly follow, but still.
  • Watch an episode of World of Warcraft porn (NSFW). As an aside, if that video does turn you on, you should probably seek help. The kind of help that gravity can offer if you leap from a high-rise office block.
  • Read Tony Blair’s autobiography.
  • Read the first chapter of Tony Blair’s autobiography.
  • Read the blurb of Tony Blair’s autobiography.
  • See Justin Bieber in concert. Mainly to try to top this.
  • Smash various Apple products in front of an Apple store. Hardly original, but I am fairly confident it would be as satisfying as having a hug from Morgan Freeman.
  • Have a full orchestra and choir perform ‘Ave Santani’ outside Sarah Palin’s house until she no longer talks about raising a veteran and instead raves about how her child was the spawn of the horned one.
  • Own signed first-editions of the Twilight books. Just so I’d know that somewhere, a die-hard fan could no longer get hold of a copy.

All of which I’d rather do than sit through an hour and a half (or however long it is) of Dinner For Schmucks.

After half an hour of trawling through releases and deciding I couldn’t be fucked with any of them I ended up mindlessly watching garbage on Youtube praying for my screen to explode, saving me from the realisation that I’m utterly boring. Tell a lie, I went to comfort myself in the warm glow of quality British programming; I watched documentaries about Beowulf and old episodes of Doctor Who.

On the other hand, if I do want to search for a film at least Google can now search for it INSTANTLY. That is, next time you search for something it will start beaming guesswork directly into your face, as if Google is an excitable puppy that gets bored with waiting for you to finish typing your query and just runs with the first keystroke it gets hold of. Throw it a bone and it’ll come back with the Natural History Museum. I’m undecided if that’s a good thing or not, though admittedly it’s less of a kick in the nether regions when Google returns results saying at the top ‘You typed ‘pteradactyl’ but I’m searching for ‘pterodactyl’ as you’re clearly a fuckmook’. Maybe not in those exact words. Sure I lose a few precious seconds of my life by clicking on a link that says ‘Did you mean ‘pterodactyl’?’ but at least I feel like less of a twat for making a spelling mistake.

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