Creationists Didn’t Evolve From Apes; They Haven’t Evolved At All

While sensible people will recognise this as a visual aid to understanding evolution, creationists take this to be an illustration of how creationists should stalk a solitary normal person. Image via Wikipedia

Creationists have often argued that they did not come from apes, a view usually ridiculed by the scientific community. Recent evidence, however, suggests that they may have actually been right. Scientists think that at the dawn of mankind, when the rest of the human race was busy evolving and adapting to their environment, creationists were refusing to take part in the evolutionary game, and as a result of this are therefore thoroughly unevolved human beings. The DNA of those who deny the glaringly obvious seems to be much more basic in structure. Instead of a double helix make-up like normal human beings, theirs is a single, thread-bare strand of pseudo philosophy. ‘What’s interesting’, says Dr. Spengler, ‘is that their DNA pattern is very unreactive, virtually ignoring everything that’s going on around it’. He went on to say that ‘anything more complicated than a black and white environment becomes too much for this type of organism, forcing it to, evolutionarily speaking, stick its fingers in its ears shouting ‘Blah blah blah, I can’t hear you”.

‘We didn’t believe it when we first checked the fossil records, but thinking about it, it makes sense’ commented Dr. Ray Stantz. ‘You might recall that human DNA shares significantly similar DNA to a banana. Well, creationists are much closer in genetic structure to an inanimate piece of fruit than other humans, it’s simply amazing we didn’t realise this before!’

The Dark Lord of the Sith & Emperor of the Galactic Empire, Pope Benedict XXXVIMCXVI, gave a sermon in acknowledgement of the news, praising the ‘steadfast, un-blinking dogma of those who accept the fairy tales of the Holy Book. That we are different proves us as God’s children once and for all, let us rejoice in our total simplicity’.

Commenting on the research, Richard Dawkins, prolific hater of all types of imaginary friends, stated that the news was ‘shocking, but [that] this kind of discovery is what makes science so exciting’. He added that ‘while it can dent one’s pride to be proven wrong, it’s at least a silver lining to learn I don’t share a chromosome with those who watch Fox News’.

Note: This article was submitted to, and published by, The Lemon Press a while back. You can find it here. The sharp eyed among you will see a few editorial differences.

Update: Many thanks to the Liberal Values Blog who drew attention to this article. You can find it on their site here.